Gayatri Pasricha reflects on her Hatching Residency

The range of reactions to the messiness of a miscarriage and other fertility issues, especially from those around me, left me a little confused and a little scarred. I was asked not to discuss my pregnancy for the first three months and then the miscarriage, then not speak of the miscarriage later as why delve on the negative, my poor dog was blamed for pulling me during his walk, tennis, everything I ate.

Having joined the bandwagon of parenthood there is a lack of time to do any personal projects or to truly reflect on anything. The Hatching Residency was to give me space and time to understand the nuances of grieving a miscarriage and its aftermath.

I wanted to find some universality in the experience of grieving a miscarriage. I found there are three dimensions – the physical, the emotional and the intellectual that we may need to work through. 

My expectation was to find a lightbulb moment when everything fell into place and we could find a systematic way, like the 5 stages of grief that could be worked into this grieving process. But we all do grieve differently, and we should do what makes sense to one’s circumstances. 

This was my second residency, and I found the child-free process and outcome-free process quite liberating and difficult at times. As a graphic designer, it is consequential driven artwork and learning to not concentrate on that aspect was at times problematic especially at the end of the residency. 

My mentor during the process, Andrea Mbarushimana helped me find paint and colour again. I had not painted for a while, and though I had brought my paints to the studio, I found it hard to start. The painting helped bring a more visceral connection to the process. 

I had this constant anxiety that occurred during my pregnancy and right after, which may have trickled down to my postpartum. I usually have an easy-going disposition, I found these new feelings surprising. I learnt I was pregnant on the last day of my residency. This pregnancy, as opposed to my last was less anxious, even though I may be going through similar or worse symptoms. I would like to believe this would be due to the reflection of the whole process during the residency.