Chloe Deakin reflects on her creative Residency with Talking Birds

I was very nervous as apart from being in drama A-level I have always been on the ‘other’ side of the arts, acting more as a facilitator/producer/filmmaker capturing/enabling others rather than expanding on my own practice.

My residency focused on exploring the themes of worldbuilding and capitalism through sculpture and writing—or so I thought! Quickly, the themes expanded to sculpture and theatre, as I needed to develop the presentation of the themes, and my processes more than the themes themselves.

I had a million thoughts going on, and was going to go and just get chips and call it a day. Philippa encouraged me to sit in the room until she left (20 minutes) and think. In doing so, I realised I wasn’t walking to get chips; I was running out of fear from my work. I then realised I do that every day, using bid writing, producing for others, and giving people free mentoring classes as the usual excuses.

Since then, I have become more aware of how I can subconsciously avoid my own art and have challenged myself to write, and not delete it – draw, and not throw it away. I have started an art TikTok which has got a few thousand views already! One of my drawings has 12K views which is wild!!! I have also started to post comics on TikTok to explain how I feel, which has been really therapeutic. I have not drawn comics since I was about 12 so this was super fun!

I loved how Philippa encouraged me to focus on my ideas and just sit without a phone with my writing around me. Charlie also made sure I didn’t fill up my time focusing on others’ work/bringing too many other artists in (as I naturally sway towards enabling others before my own work). Their dedication in staying focused on my residency helped me to realise how hard I find the process of producing my own work as I find it easier to support others than express myself.

But as someone who wants to express herself, Philippa and Charlie’s support in ensuring I ‘CLOSE THE DOOR’ was invaluable and has made me prioritise myself more, not just in my artistic practice but also in my personal life. Since completing the residency, I have found I have Autism, and I have found confidence in admitting I find tasks such as showing back work hard, but I am no longer afraid to say that and tackle it because of Talking Birds. I hope more organisations find similar approaches to Talking Birds as the lack of pressure was something I have never experienced, and found it more useful than I could ever put into words.

I expected that I would walk away with a few sculptures which I could continue to share… but instead I have walked away realising I need to learn a lot more than how to sculpt to get to where I envision. I finally feel like I can verbalise what I find hard as an artist, and I know how to overcome that for the first time in my life.

So much of my residency process and outcome was unexpected! I really realised how many creative goals I have that I have run away from because of confidence. I hope to also hold more space for my own needs as an Autistic person, as I had never reflected on myself possibly having such needs before the residency. I got the support afterwards and now feel like I would like to do work exploring this.

During my residency, I learnt that the only time I feel like I can truly speak is through writing. I realised I have felt very isolated due to being unable to express myself while helping so many others do so over the years.

I learnt that my favourite artists, such as Kendrick Lamar and Beyonce, often curate their work using visual objects relevant to their culture, either made by them or others they then write based on those. Also, whilst working on the residency I was able to have the space to rap along (which I normally don’t do alone as I live with others); when doing so I realised the synergies between rap and poetry, and would like to use that confidence/realisation to put my spoken word onto some tracks I have made on Logic.

After my residency, I’ve realised that as scary as expressing yourself is, I feel ready to try. Even if I post anonymously initially and stick to small gatherings or similar residencies to continue building my confidence, I am not letting go of my dreams again!

My passion for writing has been re-ignited, and my love for multi-media has also been resparked. I have realised that I can keep jumping from film, to sculpture, to writing, to producing… but the most important thing I need to do is develop my personal confidence and practice so I feel comfortable showcasing. Talking Birds gave me that penny drop moment – that I am hiding behind ‘hard skills’ rather than just putting myself out there and focusing on my own art.

I would like to focus on writing as my main practice now, as it is something that I do not feel nervous doing and find a lot of solace in. I have a comedy script idea about youth workers and a children’s book called ‘The Dyslexic Author’ I would like to work on (I have started the digital drawings on my iPad). I also want to learn more about the world of writing, as I am pretty new to this!

I would like to say a huge thank you to Talking Birds. I had never done anything like this, and I am someone that had many barriers to overcome to even sit in the room, but I am so so so grateful to the whole team for taking off the pressure to enable me to come to the conclusions I needed to get to.