Michelle Bailey reflects on her Hatching Residency

I always tell people (and myself) that if I had more time I would be able to be more productive and creative. But the reality is that I’m the biggest detriment to my creativity. I could find the time, I could be more focused, I could be more disciplined. So when I finally got the time and space to work on a new idea, I was excited but also anxious about the experience. What if I can’t do it? What if my work is rubbish? What if I fail at it?

Many of my friends and collaborators had gone through the experience and all spoke highly of it. The space at Talking Birds was filled with creativity, and wonderful supportive people. However there was one thing that did keep coming up and that was; you will likely have to face your imposter syndrome. 

The way I usually make films is by exploring something deeply personal to me. The process is always hard, emotional, and I always want to run away from it. But thanks to my amazing collaborators/ friends/ family, I just manage to finish the film. This time I would be working solo, trying to block out my imposter syndrome going on and on.

This time I would be looking at my relationship with my body and how it once, through dance,  was my main tool of creative expression and how that is slowly becoming a distant memory as I deal with decline of my health and my struggle with disabilities. The idea of the project was to find a new, more positive outlook whilst allowing myself to grieve what once was.

My first day I went at what I would call my “old normal” pace. I rushed around, trying to get everything started as quickly as possible. I put a lot of pressure on myself, hardly having breaks and in a sense trying to rush the process. I digitised old dancing tapes from when I was 6 years old. I did test shots and tried to figure out how to use Cubase. I researched fibromyalgia and grief. Not really knowing how it would all manifest in the end but working at a speed that I always try to maintain but is actually impossible to keep up. Emotionally it was a tiring day, the research surrounding my condition and the grief was helpful on one hand. It was good to know people felt the same as myself but also a hard reality to face.

And often people have to abandon dreams, thus losing the future they had envisioned for themselves. In sum, we experience the loss of the person we used to be and the person we hoped to become. The pervasiveness of loss presents us with some of our most daunting tasks: keeping hope alive and bringing new meaning to life when much has been taken away. – http://www.cfsselfhelp.org/library/26-grieving-your-losses

 Talking Birds was such a safe environment for me to start to really process this grief. I was lucky enough to have Lisa Franklin as a fellow nest resident at the time and being able to speak and find similarities with her made this process less isolating and more connected. Lisa invited me to the F13 gathering that Talking Birds hosts, which she described as fellow artists and creatives in the City getting together and talking about ideas. As much as I wanted to burrow myself into my work I thought I should embrace the people and environment whilst I was here. I told her I would be there.

As important it was to let myself grieve my past body, the next day I thought I would try to find a more positive and hopeful approach to my research. I came across this really interesting research paper Creative versus repetitive dance therapies to reduce the impact of fibromyalgia and pain: A systematic review and meta-analysis

It looked at the benefits that free movement/ dance could have on fibromyalgia. The more repetitive movements of dance such as zumba can be too hard on the body whereas a more creative, free style of dance actually can be more beneficial:

Dance-based interventions are significantly effective in reducing the impact of fibromyalgia, pain as well as increasing health-related quality of life. Subgroup analyses suggest that creative dance-based interventions could be more effective than repetitive dance-based interventions to reduce pain and fibromyalgia impact. 

I felt that I had been given another lifeline. The relief that  I could still have a relationship with dance but I would just have to learn how to undo the half a lifetime of discipline and let my body move more freely, less structured. More Kate Bush, less Britney Spears, I told myself.

With the new information I felt lighter going into the F13 meeting later that day. I went into it with no expectations, thinking that I would take a break from my research. I sat next down to Lisa who introduced me to local filmmaker Rachel Bunce who I would have a conversation with that would change my approach to creativity as well as life. I connected with Rachel instantly, we had strong similarities and she would say three powerful words “Rest is Resistance”.  Rachel recommended the book by Trisha Hersey.  She spoke about how the book changed her outlook and now because of it has introduced rest as part of her creativity. After F13 I went back to my studio, and brought the ebook and read it as I lay on the padded floor mat. 

“Treating each other and ourselves with care isn’t a luxury, but an absolute necessity if we’re going to thrive. Resting isn’t an afterthought, but a basic part of being human.”

― Tricia Hersey, Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto

I started to introduce a slower, less pressured pace for myself. I would start with a little bit of yoga,  take more breaks, walk down the canal at lunch time, and have naps in my studio on the floor. It felt good to have a less self-destructive creative approach. 

Then Imposter syndrome struck, I had a day where I felt like I couldn’t do anything, that I didn’t know where I was going with this project, that I was incapable of getting it done. I fell into a bit of depression and I started to experience bad fibromyalgia flare ups. It felt like my mind and body was broken. The Talking Bird team was so supportive and understanding. They rearranged the days I was unable to do due to my illness. I had to put into practice that rest is now part of my process. 

When I returned to the studio I had a fresh perspective on it. I started to form the final idea in my mind. I wanted to do shadow dancing for the final film.  I experimented with this in the studio using a white sheet and the desk lamp.

At the same time I was studying how to do Shadow Work. I had heard of shadow work through being a practising wiccan. I had always feared it and never felt ready to do it. I was surprised to find that it’s also part of Psychology.

Your shadow isn’t a flaw or a mistake — instead, it’s a natural part of who you are. Shadow work is, at heart, about developing self-awareness and ultimately, self-acceptance and compassion. Shadow work is often both therapy and more spiritual, helping you see the different parts of yourself. For people who have been especially good at avoiding their shadow — for instance, because it is too far different from your own self-perception or desired impression — shadow work is about acknowledging the existence of shadows and getting curious about exploring them.  – https://www.betterup.com/blog/shadow-work

The shadow work helps me face my imposter syndrome, my fears and insecurities about my health. I began to embrace the emotions of loss, fear, hopelessness and find new perspectives and ways of talking to myself. Ignoring my shadow for so long was a way to protect myself but trying to listen to my shadow self rather than block it out made me actually feel better. I started to be kinder to myself and the slower the pace, the more I felt creative and started to see what the final film would be. I would let my shadow self dance freely, having its moment to be seen. 

Going into the nest residency, I was outcome focused and wanted to complete the final film within the 2 weeks. I thought I would rush the process, skim the emotions, and feared that either my imposter syndrome or my illness would win. I was expecting to do my usual self destructive way of working and finish with a film that reflected my feelings of loss and despair. However through the process I learned how to face the fears I had, feel the emotions and gain a new perspective of my creative approach. 

At Talking Birds you are not just getting a studio space, financial help and time to dedicate to your art. You are gaining connectivity with individuals and the community they have cultured there, developing a more healthy way of working that is encouraged by the team, fellow creatives and a wonderful peaceful location by the canal. 

“Nothing we accomplish in life is totally free of the influence of spirit and community. We do nothing alone.”

― Tricia Hersey, Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto